Once upon a time, when there were only a few folks living on Earth, and the Lord God could take the time to address them individually, God spoke to Abraham.
Abraham, said God, while Abraham was grilling lamb kebobs in his back yard. Abraham flinched when he heard his name coming from an unspecified place above and behind his left shoulder.
Abraham knew it was God, because God was always talking to him, and the voice always came from the same place. The first time he heard it, he was living in Ur of the Chaldees and still going by his given name, Abram. The voice told him to leave his home in Ur, even though his friends, family, hometown sports teams, and the diner where they always saved him the best seat up by the window were there; and wander in the desert, even though the desert was dry and dangerous, and God was vague about where exactly he should go. The second time he heard it, the voice told him that he was no longer going to be called Abram, but Abraham, even though Abram was the name on his birth certificate, marriage certificate, bank accounts, and credit reports. The third time he heard it, the voice told him to cut off his foreskin, even though it wasn’t causing him or anybody else any trouble whatsoever.
Abraham always did what God asked, unlike most people who, when asked to leave home or remove a body part, either ignored God or chose a lesser sacrifice, like setting up a swear jar and putting a quarter in it each time they cursed. Abraham, though, feared God, and feared what would happen if he failed the tests, even as he hoped each test would be the last, hoped that moving away from home, and changing his name, and cutting off the end of his dick would be enough for God. But it never was. God couldn’t get over the fact that Abraham kept doing whatever God asked, so God kept coming up with more tests, curious as to what Abraham’s limit might be.
Abraham, God said.
Abraham flinched, but knew it was no use trying to hide or pretend he didn’t hear. Here I am, he replied.
God continued, Take your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains that I shall show you.
God didn’t really want Abraham to burn his son, God only wanted to get a rise out of him, to see the look on his face when he finally reached his breaking point. Through all the tests God had given him, God had never heard Abraham curse, or even raise his voice. God loved it when people lost it, delighted in seeing people at their wit’s end. God put people to the test, not to see if they’d fail, but how. How much cursing, how much kicking, how much punching at the air with mortal futility? Abraham, though, was a tough cookie. He always did what God asked without complaint, so God came up with the most absurd test yet, sure that it would at last trigger the spectacle of Abraham throwing down his tongs and yelling, Leave me alone you fucking fuck! Maybe, if God was lucky, Abraham would kick a rock and hurt his toe and unleash a second wave of profanity.
But Abraham slowly took the kebobs off the grill and put the fire out. He didn’t say anything, he swallowed his feelings, felt a little twinge in his mind, and obeyed God like he always did, with the silent hope that this test would be the last, and from this point on God would leave him alone.
The next morning, Abraham woke up early and loaded up his truck. Then he went and knelt beside Isaac, shook his shoulder, and said, Wake up, son, it’s time to go.
Isaac sat up and saw his father standing by his bed, two servants standing behind him. Where are we going? he asked.
We are going to travel for a distance, and then make an offering that will please the Lord.
As they drove, Isaac couldn’t help but notice that there was not a sheep, nor ram, nor fatted calf tied in the back of the truck like there usually was. Isaac was young, but he had helped with offerings before. He knew what was missing. He looked in the rearview and saw the two servants crouched in the bed and wondered which of those poor souls would have to die to satisfy God.
God, too, wondered about Abraham’s plan.
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After they had been driving for three days, they stopped.